dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
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thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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