Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Randomize
