What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
