On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
no, he came in my armpit
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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