Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
