My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
