when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
