I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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