Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
