I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
