Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
