he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
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I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
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Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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