Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I need water and some morals
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
