There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
