then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
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