What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
