so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
