woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
