OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i may or may not be watching the land before time
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
