I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
