hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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