it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
