Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
