I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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