Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
