At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
