my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
