This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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