Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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