Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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