Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
