The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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