Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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