Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
