I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
