Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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