Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
