I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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