I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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