I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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