he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
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Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
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Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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