Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
