1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
