the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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