Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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