Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
