after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
