Someone shit on the floor
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
