He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
