Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Someone came in the potted fern
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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