How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
