It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
