hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
