I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
