I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
