I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
