I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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