apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
