when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
